Girls..

i don't understand some girls.. all they want is boys and they will step on there good friends to get them. its so stupid. what ever happen to being true to your friends? they pretend to be your friend just to get to the guys.. then once they are in. your out. should i be mad? or is it dumb of me to be annoyed? i am just so tired of girls like that! they are so fragile that if they don't have a boy at there side they freak out.. and the only thing they can talk about is the fact that they really need a boy. girls need to have a back bone and know that even if you don't have a boy by your side you are still strong and an amazing women. oh yeah! and they have to always look so pretty! they freak out if there is something wrong with there outfits or makeup! there are more important things in life!!!

Sadness

Sometimes i just want to cry, i don't really understand why. my heart hurts and i feel like the world stops turning.everything hurts, i don't understand why, everything today has gone right, there is nothing to be sad about. I know this week will be very hard and that i will probably fall apart many times. crying helps me let go, it takes away the stress of life and makes me feel a lot better. but i can't cry right now.. it just wont come out. Hate is all around us, the world is getting so wicked and sad. Even though i live in a small bubble, satan is still hard at work trying to take us away from our happiness and the gospel. am i sad that i have fallen into one of satans trap. is that the sadness i feel? i am starting to escape and hope that happiness with come along with it. i can fake a smile and have fun with my friends.. but really inside i am sad. if others new.. what would they say? would they call me a hypocrite? would they laugh at me? i just dont get it.. i feel like a heavy rock is sitting on my back.. i want it gone so so bad. its sin. and i know if i truly repent it can go away, and thats what i am going to do. even though it will be hard and i am scared for the journey ahead. i know that at the end it will be so worth it.Sometimes i just want to cry, i don't really understand why. my heart hurts and i feel like the world stops turning.everything hurts,but I am scared to cry, but i don't know why,the tears in my eyes will calm the pain, but the feeling i feel is just the same, its everywhere i look and never fades. and i hope tomorrow will be a better day, with the sun shinning and clouds in the sky i still ask myself why? why do we have to feel this pain from inside, that tears us up and hurts so much. i have been told the pain is to help us grow, it may not seem right but our heavenly father knows, he knows whats best and that i am never alone. His son, christ, will never leave me, he has once felt the pain i have inside. He bleed and died so that we could once be free. His pain and suffering on calvery. I know i am not perfect and have many falts, but just once i wish i could understand. i am longing for that joy that come when the end in near and the journey is through. when i can truly feel the saviors approveal in everything i do.

Cute Boys!

I love it when you meet a boy and instantly you think he is amazing! Funny, kind, and so easy to talk to! but its hard when you don't know if that boy feels the same way about you! you wish with your whole heart that he could come in, give you a big hug, and sweep you off you feet and tell you he loves you! that would be a true fairytale come true!! I LOVE LOVE!! Anyway! i really hope things work out! i need to be strong with myself so that i can have a relationship, but ever sence i have been hanging out with him my temptations have gotten lighter, easier to face. i can't explain it but i just feel happy and alive around him!

why

Why must we be human..i understand the concept of changing and growing from your experiances but sometimes those experiances change your life.. in ways that are not good. you don't know what to do and you never feel like you have the strengh to over come your trial. The lord is amazing and i know that what people have said about trusting in him and asking him for his help, and that he can help you over come anything. but i myself have not really experianced that.. and i feel like i never will. i am struggling so bad! making really stupid mistakes! i don't understand why. or what is making me do this. its dumb and i know its dumb. i just can't stop. i DON'T GET IT! i want to be the most amazing person with a great friends to surround me.. but i need to stop thinking about other people for a small moment in order to figure myself out. i need to understand what i need to do to fix this. its not something small... its going to take me a while to get over it.but i do think i can. I believe i can do anything. but i alway try.. and then fail. and getting back up is a lot harder then it sounds. i want to be able to have amazing self control and be able to control my body and have it work with my spirit. but sometimes i feel like my body is controling me. i don't understand why. i feel numb. strange. and confused. this is a huge time in my life and not exactly the most conveniant time for this to happen. i feel like i should be doing so many other things then to be working on this.. i should be going on dates, meeting people, having the time of my life. not trying to fix stupid inner problems. i am sure there are other people who feel this way. but i promise i wont give up. there is no way i am going to live the rest of my life like this! i am not happy. and i want so bad to be happy and to feel loved by someone.

Girls!!

so pretty much nan and haley are like my fery best friends ever!! when ever i am sad i just run over about 4 doors down and i know i will be happy in an instant!! boys are fun for a time but the real fun i have ever had was with my girls.. we don't even have to be doing anything..all you need is girls, ice cream and music! oh and house is a hottie! thats all for today!!

feeling numb...

sometimes i wish i was always numb..no pain, no hurt, no feeling..but does that mean no happieness? I wish i could tell someone how i feel but what will happen after i do. i don't want to hurt anyone.. but i don't even know if it will hurt.. what does it mean when a guy kisses a girl? does that mean they love eachother? The feeling that you whole insides are going to burst. should you scream? i hate feeling like this but yet i am to scared to fix it. is that normal? The three little words I love you.. what do they really mean? do you have to mean it to say it? but if you don't mean it then the special feeling is gone. When someone says it to you are you always suppose to say it back even if you don't feel that way? am i stupid.. if it was anyother girl would she be able to do this in a heart beat?

boys are lame!

oh my.. i am just getting the hang of this whole blog thing.. so i wrote a huge paragraph about boys and stuff then it all just went away. so here i am writting it again. So boys.. why are do we need them again? oh yeah to love us to take care of us and to help us. So i have liked this kid, lets call him dog(not meaning anything), dog for ever! we have known eachother for about 5 months now and we play game, do homework, have fun and hang out.... no dates. guys now never ask girls on dates. we all just hang out! HANGING OUT IS LAME! its ok if your with lots of people but if you really want to spend some quality time with someone ask them out on a date! duh! anyway i guess i will just keep being his friend until something hits him on the head and he realizes that we should go on a date! the thing is i don't even want to be his girlfriend or anything all i want is some.. idk.. i don't know what i want anymore.. ok i am done rambeling on! Boys are great, life is good, college is crazy! LIVE LOVE LEARN.. Its LIFE!